Five.

Well, who knew Mr Darcy:ish was going through mid-life crisis?! (Technically, I did, but denial never lets me down...) This is proving to be a bit of an issue, because even if I'm young and a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom, not to forget a cleaner in the bedroom (One has to be these days), there is always other attractions. See, Mr Midlife has the biggest need of confirmation I have ever come across. They seek it everywhere, with anyone and all the time. The problem isn't that you're competing with someone, you're competing with everyone, and even the best of us finds that difficult.

Mr Darcy only wants your attention, Mr Twat can't get anyone else's - it's very black and white. Mr Midlife has got more shades of grey than a mouse who's been stepping in bleach. There is no right and wrong, and one never ever know what's waiting around the corner (but one can be sure it wont be good!)

I will develop this further soon, I have to get ready for work - Mr Midlife don't have 5 000 a year (it's very unfortunate!)

Four.

I said I'd come back with more examples, and having had about six month to think, I should really have loads of them. I don't. In my defence, I have spent most of my time with Mr Darcy:ish. Yes, apparently I've managed to e myself a something in between Mr Twat and Mr Darcy, but more Mr Darcy than Mr Twat. (most of the time anyway) It's not only been a bed of roses though, my god no. Every day is a struggle, although I'm prepared to take some of the blame for that. I know one must work on relationships, but I think this might be taking the piss.

First of all, Mr Darcy:ish is married, and his bride just happens to be someone else than me. She also happens to be the mother of his five children. And the woman he spent half his life with. And before you write me off as a immoral creature, I'll tell you that he is separated, and had been so for a while when I met him. And second of all, Mr Darcy:ish is neither getting married again, nor is he having more children. So that's that.

But he brings me coffee in bed when I'm tired and takes me out to karaoke nights, and I... I... well, I am just simply charming!

Three.

Also, it would be unfair to say that Mr Darcy is without flaws. He most certainly am not. It is utterly irritating to have everything perfect all the time. Look into perfect eyes, hold perfect hands and kiss perfect lips. Do we need something that makes our own flaws obvious? I think not. He makes us look bad, although he would never see it, but we do not need anything else but our own perception of ourselves to go down. If he cannot see it, we will make him, because that is what we do. That is part of the Muppet life, and is what makes us who we are.

We have the best of intentions - always, but more often than not the phrase "What the fuuuuck?" can be applied to us. We are meant to fuck up, to try not to would be like stopping the sun go up and down (which they only can do in the north, by the way), so it is all about sucking it all up. Making the most of it. Hug your inner child. Whatever makes you happy. Personally, I prefer wine. Wine both makes me happy and hugs my inner child. Spending the night in fetal position crying is just a bonus, that I embrace.

I suppose there are Mr Darcy's out there who find this charming - well, there are a few examples. I will get back to you as soon as I can think of any, I might need some more time. Hope is the last thing that abandons us, so I am holding on to that idea. (And if you are one and happen to read this, my number is on my profile, call me!)

Two.

I would be unfair to say that Mr Twat is without his benefits (although most of them he probably gets from the council...) He does have his good sides. Because he never wastes his breath on whispering romantic words in your ear, or sweet texts or emails, you know that when he actually does say something, he really means it. So when you had a really hard day at work, and you come home to a tip and you stop and sigh for a minute before you start cleaning up, he will look up from the telly and tell you that it is okay, you can cook dinner before you start cleaning - then you know Mr Twat really, really loves you.

One.

Have you ever got the feeling that someone up there completely and utterly hates you? That every action they take is to make your life more miserable? Welcome to my life. But not in the complete way, just semi-miserable. We always seem to have just enough to not give up, like a combination of a cruel game from “Saw” and a cat and mouse game. Life is semi-miserable, but in a miserable way. Are you with me so far? Let’s call ourselves Muppets. We are promised gold, but to get there we have to walk across knives with venomous poison on them and pray that we will make it. People probably like to keep us around, because we make everyone else seem like the luckiest people in the world – it is a gift.

We watched Bridget Jones, and that gave us hope. Maybe Muppets can succeed? Yeah right. Apparently, Muppets do not end up with Mr Darcy, but we get his distant relative who was born with a wooden spoon in his mouth and spends his life over compensating the shadow of Mr Darcy. Mr Twat, we can call them. There is always something wrong with Mr Twat, and it is never that he is strong, but silent. Mostly the twat is loud and over-confident, and he makes an art of making you feel that he is doing you a favour for being with you when it is in fact (at least in 8 out of 10 cases) you who is doing him a favour. But for us who failed to claim Mr Darcy, they are the only option – god knows we could never live on our own. If there is something that makes the semi-miserable life worse, it is living it on your own. With Mr Twat by your side, at least you have someone to blame when things go wrong.

It is in fact quite a team work, twats and muppets. We fulfil the basic needs of a relationship, even if it is purely on the surface. Behind closed doors, we barely tolerate each other, but it does not matter. It is all about the surface. The basic idea is that if you can find someone who is willing to play the relationship-game, you are worth loving. No one can ever take away that idea of you, muppet or not. The same goes for Mr Twat, he may not be Mr Darcy, but he is loved by a muppet, which gives him some credit in the pub. The biggest downside of it all is of course the most obvious difference between Mr Twat and Mr Darcy – his intentions. Mr Darcy wishes to marry you, support you, worship the ground you walk on and keep every trouble out of your way – and he would rather die than fail. Mr Twat wants a fry up every Saturday, a few shags a week and an endless cupboard of beans. If you are unhappy, you will have t sort it with your girlfriends, because he is going to the pub with the lads and don’t you dare make him feel guilty about it.

Does it matter, one might ask? Can you not be happy with Mr Twat? I do not know yet. I am hoping to figure it out.