One.

Have you ever got the feeling that someone up there completely and utterly hates you? That every action they take is to make your life more miserable? Welcome to my life. But not in the complete way, just semi-miserable. We always seem to have just enough to not give up, like a combination of a cruel game from “Saw” and a cat and mouse game. Life is semi-miserable, but in a miserable way. Are you with me so far? Let’s call ourselves Muppets. We are promised gold, but to get there we have to walk across knives with venomous poison on them and pray that we will make it. People probably like to keep us around, because we make everyone else seem like the luckiest people in the world – it is a gift.

We watched Bridget Jones, and that gave us hope. Maybe Muppets can succeed? Yeah right. Apparently, Muppets do not end up with Mr Darcy, but we get his distant relative who was born with a wooden spoon in his mouth and spends his life over compensating the shadow of Mr Darcy. Mr Twat, we can call them. There is always something wrong with Mr Twat, and it is never that he is strong, but silent. Mostly the twat is loud and over-confident, and he makes an art of making you feel that he is doing you a favour for being with you when it is in fact (at least in 8 out of 10 cases) you who is doing him a favour. But for us who failed to claim Mr Darcy, they are the only option – god knows we could never live on our own. If there is something that makes the semi-miserable life worse, it is living it on your own. With Mr Twat by your side, at least you have someone to blame when things go wrong.

It is in fact quite a team work, twats and muppets. We fulfil the basic needs of a relationship, even if it is purely on the surface. Behind closed doors, we barely tolerate each other, but it does not matter. It is all about the surface. The basic idea is that if you can find someone who is willing to play the relationship-game, you are worth loving. No one can ever take away that idea of you, muppet or not. The same goes for Mr Twat, he may not be Mr Darcy, but he is loved by a muppet, which gives him some credit in the pub. The biggest downside of it all is of course the most obvious difference between Mr Twat and Mr Darcy – his intentions. Mr Darcy wishes to marry you, support you, worship the ground you walk on and keep every trouble out of your way – and he would rather die than fail. Mr Twat wants a fry up every Saturday, a few shags a week and an endless cupboard of beans. If you are unhappy, you will have t sort it with your girlfriends, because he is going to the pub with the lads and don’t you dare make him feel guilty about it.

Does it matter, one might ask? Can you not be happy with Mr Twat? I do not know yet. I am hoping to figure it out.